Having a late diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Condition (ASC) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can be a profound moment of self-discovery and validation for many individuals. As we navigate our newfound identities, one of the critical aspects that emerges is the understanding of boundaries. While not talked often enough, learning to set and maintain boundaries is pivotal for late-diagnosed neurodiverse individuals as it not only shapes our relationships and interactions but also plays a key role in building our self-acceptance and esteem.
A late diagnosis of autism or ADHD often brings a mix of relief, validation, and challenges. Suddenly, a lifetime of struggles and misinterpretations finds clarity and context. We begin to understand why we may have felt out of place or misunderstood for so long. However, as we navigate this new era of our lives, the concept of boundaries can appear as a fundamental aspect of our journey towards self-acceptance and understanding our relationships with others.
What are boundaries?
A boundary is an invisible line or wall between yourself and another person that defines what is acceptable, respectful, and comfortable in relationships, communication, and personal space. Clear boundaries promote healthy interactions, self-respect, and emotional well-being, while blurred or absent boundaries can lead to confusion, conflict, and emotional distress.
Why are late-diagnosed individuals more likely to have blurred boundaries?
The biggest reason is that there is a fear of rejection associated with past social interactions which can also lead to people-pleasing behaviours. The fear can drive individuals to prioritise others needs instead of their own resulting in a tendency to avoid conflict and create unhealthy boundaries. People pleasing is also a form of masking, a common behaviour among autistic and ADHD individuals, which involves consciously or unconsciously mimicking or suppressing one's true thoughts, emotions, and behaviours to fit in socially. By constantly adapting and conforming to societal norms to look “normal”, we may find it challenging to assert our own limits, express our true selves, and set boundaries that align with our needs and values.
People-pleasing behaviours stemming from masking can hinder the development of healthy boundaries in late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD individuals. We may struggle to:
advocate for ourselves
assert our needs
say no to others
This can lead to situations where boundaries are crossed, independence is compromised and cause a decrease in self esteem, perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy relationships and internal turmoil.
Some Strategies for Boundary Setting and Unmasking:
1. Build More Self Awareness
Engage in self-reflection to identify personal boundaries, values, and needs.
Practice mindfulness to tune into your emotions, triggers, and comfort levels. Learning grounding techniques can really help you learn to pause before making a quick decision you might not be so proud of.
2. Assertive Communication
Learn to communicate assertively and confidently to express your boundaries and needs effectively.
Practice setting boundaries in various social scenarios to build confidence and clarity.
3. Unmasking
Learn about what and why you might be masking
Reframe the negativity surrounding those masks and celebrate your uniqueness, quirks, and strengths.
Surround yourself with supportive individuals who respect and appreciate you for who you are.
As we continue to advocate for inclusivity and celebrate neurodiversity, it is essential for late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD individuals to prioritise boundary setting as a means of self-care and empowerment. By learning to value our own boundaries and needs we can learn to create healthier relationships with others that are grounded in mutual respect, thus enhancing our self-worth and resilience.
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